Dialup, Avatar, Jones!™ has a blog now.

What if...

2008-09-18T12:44:00.004-04:00

I was thinking. What if your penis was a live poisonous snake and your balls were tiny baby heads that never stopped crying? I had my daughter draw up a little conceptualization.

My Son's College Money

2008-09-16T16:19:00.004-04:00

I always told my son as he was growing up that his mother and I had been saving for his college fees. Well, his 18th birthday is coming up, and he asked us for his college savings now because he decided to join the Church of Scientology.

The problem is, he doesn't really have any savings at all. I'm the only one who know this because years ago, on the way to the bank to start up his fund, I spent the money I did have to deposit on a prostitute. I mean, it was like 1991. Who can blame me?

But anyway, that's where every bit of the money has gone since that day. Once the truth comes out, this will ruin what passes for my marriage. I think there's a Bible story about a son who asks for money from his dad, then spends it all and becomes poor and has to come back to his father for mercy. I need to buy a Bible so I can use that story on my son to make him change his mind about his fund for a while.

Internet Gaming Addiction

2008-09-10T15:37:00.003-04:00

Sorry that I haven't posted in the past several days, but I've become addicted to Fantastic Contraption. I can't seem to tear myself away from it. I'm sure that my son will be up to something crazy or whatever, blah blah blah, I have to get back to solving this level.

Edit: I finally found a solution that worked. Turns out that I was just making it too complicated.

Growing pains

2008-09-04T14:30:00.003-04:00

Last night I went to my 17 year-old son's room to "read him his bedtime story" and "tuck him in." When I was done I bent down to kiss him goodnight and his lips and tongue tasted just like cigarettes! I'm outraged that he would throw away his health like this. I've always taught my children to love themselves above all else, yet they still seem to insist on being self-destructive. For instance, just a few months ago, I was checking on my daughter's SpaceBook page and I'm starting to think that the internet isn't even safe for her anymore.

I heard from some other parents that a good way to see what your kids are up to is to get a SpaceFace ID and pretend to be their age and get them to add you to their friends list. This is the only way to see into their private pages. Well, I did this. I pretended to be a teenage boy and got her to add me to her list. I'd been doing this for a couple of weeks and we had become very close. Although, as her father I know she has been lying about her age. She's 13 but she says she's 16 on her MyBook profile, and she looks like she's 20 in real life.

Well, about a couple of weeks into my "sting operation" she asked me if I wanted to "cyber." I thought this was some kind of game, but then she started describing all the sexual acts she was "doing" to me. In all the police movies they say to never break your "cover" so I had no choice but to respond likewise. Now we've been cybering for the past month and what I want to know is how the heck does she know all these sex moves at 13 and how long should I keep doing this with her before I confront her about it...

Here we go again...

2008-09-03T12:41:00.004-04:00

I'm home from the hospital after my recent bathroom trouble and the doctor says I should be just fine in a few days. The only thing is, now one of my balls is bigger than the other, and the other is even bigger than that one. My son says that's temporary.

Speaking of my son, it looks like I've got a whole new set of problems now and we're looking for a legal loophole. According to my son -- not the one in the wheelchair -- during their vacation this past weekend he met a girl and technically DID force the beginings of sex on her. But he swears that by the end she started enjoying it. He said she even orgasmed before he did!

My son may be a rapist, but he is not a liar. We plan to sue her if it comes to that.

Day 6: Taint Misbehavin'

2008-09-02T14:55:00.005-04:00

I was pretty much out of it all weekend. First, I thought that it would be a good idea to take a bunch of lady-medicine and shrink up my balls. I took all of my wife's birth control pills, a bunch of Midol, my daughter's Breast XL pills, and I sucked on a Nuvaring for a while, but none of that had any effect. Not on my ball size, anyway.

I mostly ended up really thirsty, but I got banned from Quiznos home delivery, and there was no way I was drinking any of that dookie-water. I remembered that my son had some special water-based lube for his camera and I knew it would be perfect. I drank that whole bottle of Astroglide and it really hit the spot, although it had a bit of a sour taste.

Well, I passed out again and while I was out, I had a vivid dream that I was a ghost. And as I left my body, I looked down at myself and at the toilet and I was compelled to go down the drain. When I got down there I turned back and saw my swollen balls and I gave them a squeeze and a quick push. Then I woke up here, at the hospital. Everyone seems to be paying more attention to my wheelchair son than to me though. Everyone keeps talking about how he is such a "hero" but I don't know why. I guess in a sense all handicapped people are "heroes" to some people, but I just don't get it. He hasn't done anything for me lately. I survived all weekend on Quiznos and Astroglide. I'm the hero here. Oh, and by the way, my taint is 8 inches long now.

Day 2: Water "Bored"

2008-08-29T09:56:00.006-04:00

After many attempts to dislodge my balls and free myself from this toilet I've come to the conclusion that sheer pulling force isn't the answer. All the pulling and suction and pressure have taken their toll on my testicles and I feel like they've swollen up even more, of course making it even less likely that I can simply pull out. So, there I was last night, stuck and getting hungry, so I decided to order Quiznos online and have it delivered. Luckily for me, I still had the ladder propped up to the bathroom window from when I was checking on my kids the other day, so the delivery boy was able to get my sandwich to me.
Well, I still hadn't taken a dump, and about 15 minutes after I finished my Baja Chicken and Bacon sub I couldn't wait any longer. Well, I wished I could have waited because it stank up the place terribly and it has nowhere to go except all around my ball-sack. The stink was really getting to me and having that turd laying against my body was grossing me out so bad that I kind of panicked and instinctively, I thrust my body up as hard as I could to reach for the flusher pull-chain.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. The flush had started pulling me in even deeper but I didn't even notice that because when I pulled on the chain so hard, it broke part of the tank off and it came down on my head, knocking me out until early this morning. I awoke to find that the tank filler valve is stuck open and there's a constant flow of water pouring down my back. It has filled the bathroom with water up to the level of the tub wall, where the water is spilling over and draining out. My water bill is going to be outrageous, my wife and kids won't be back until Tuesday, and I gotta do something about lunch. This is the second worst weekend of my life.

I Hate Toilet Humor

2008-08-28T12:18:00.005-04:00

I'll have to lead off with an apology today, readers. I had a bit of an accident and won't be able to tell you any interesting stories about my family life. Fortunately, I do have my laptop with me so I can at least tell you how I got in this bind.

You see, my wife has a rare disorder, and her doctor recommended that we get an ultra-powerful toilet. He said that one of those old-fashioned ones like Michael Corleone finds the gun behind would be perfect, so that's what we got. I actually taped my gun back there after the cookie jar incident. Anyway, as I went do my morning constitutional, I didn't notice that my wife had left the seat up and I fell down right in the water. That was pretty unpleasant, but on the way down, I grabbed hold of the flush chain, and that, my friends, is how I flushed my balls down the toilet.

Imagine that you're floating down an ice-cold shallow river, naked, in an inner tube, and your scrotum is wedged between two rocks, and you'll have an idea of what I'm going through. Oh yeah, also imagine that you're on the river alone because your wife and kids went to grandma's house for Labor Day, and they left on Thursday for some reason. So, here I am, anchored to the bowl with no phone and completely cut off from the outside world. And I still have to take a dump.

I have a terrible suspicion that my son might be gay

2008-08-27T12:25:00.006-04:00

Here's my story...

This weekend I was invited to join in on an orgy at this exclusive club. There are only 12 members at Eyes Wide Butt, but they agreed that since my son's 17th birthday was coming up, he should be allowed in. Well, I told him that we were going to see "The Coldplays" but I wanted to pop in at the old club for a minute to get a taste of my "juice" before the show. Well, when we got in there, he saw at once what was going on and the other guys all grabbed him up and pants'ed him before he could even blink. Right after that, I started downing Red Bulls and Adderall so the series of events that followed as the night progressed are a bit hard to remember, but I have a terrible suspicion that my son might be gay.

The next morning my son was going on and on about how awesome it was. I asked him what his favorite part was and he just said, "I think you know what my favorite part is..." and peeked over his sunglasses at me. I told him that I couldn't really remember anything from that party, and he said, "Oh, um, well, you know, when we were doing it at the same time." I pretended that he had jogged my memory, and said, "Yeah, that was pretty tight, son." The problem is that there was only one girl at the party, so for us to be having sex at the same time, he would have to be getting it on with some other dude. I remember that girl very well, because she had a Coldplays shirt just like the one I gave my son that night as part of the concert ruse.

For now I'm gonna just forget about it and see what happens next year.

"Slow Your Roll..."

2008-08-21T15:01:00.004-04:00

My son has been in a wheelchair since he was little and ever since the 2004 Olympics he has been obsessed with marathons. He trains all the time, and he's actually pretty fast in his chair. He's made it as far as 18 miles at once, but I keep telling him that a marathon is over 26 miles, and he'll never make it. I don't want him to embarrass himself. Besides, there's no money in it. I'm pretty sure all those normal athletes have regular day jobs, and I'm very sure that my wheelchair son couldn't do any of them.
But, I guess some people would pay to see a wheelchair person try to roll a race. I know I would.

Check out what the cat dragged in

2008-08-20T12:17:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I was snooping around my son's room yesterday and I found a box that contained a video tape, my step-wife's old fur coat, and a bottle of hand lotion. Well, I was a young man not that long ago, so I kind of figured what was on the video tape but I watched a bit of it just to see what kind of thing he was into. The video turned out to be 4 hours of different cats having sex! This is really disturbing to me and I don't have any idea how to confront him about this. To make it all worse, he is going to be mad at me again for going through his private things. I can't remember what scene the tape was on when I started it, or how much lotion was in the bottle, so he's going to know I've been in there within a few days for sure. I have to make my move now, before he does.

Explaining the Birds and Bees Gets Harder and Harder

2008-08-15T12:56:00.003-04:00

I was sitting on the couch next to my little boy trying to teach him about the "birds and the bees," and I pulled out my penis and showed it to him and I told him "this is what yours will be like some day." Then he asked me why it was getting so hard, but I didn't want to get into all that just yet! He's too young to understand how the birds and bees do it, I just wanted him to see what happens when they haven't done it in a long time.

My daughter wants implants

2008-08-13T14:56:00.004-04:00

My son's sister wants to get breast implants but I'm worried about it. Her mom got some when she was that age, and she was made fun of at school. They called her names like Busty McBoobs, 10 Gallon Titties, Overdrawn at the Mammory Bank, Galaxy Chest, Nipple Reddenbacher, Chunky Chest, Jelly Juggs, Tower Teats, Pumpkin Tits, Mega Mammories, Breast Little Whorehouse in Texas, Breastzilla, Breast in Ho, Hooter's Revenge, Dean Man's Chest, A Tale of Two Titties, Random Access Mammory, Mickey D-cups, Juggy Bear, Crouching Tiger Huge Titties, TITanic, Big Titties in Little China, Breakin' 2 - Electric Titties, Martit Luther, Boobonic Plague, Titty Chestney, The Ghost of Christmas Tits, George Breast, Count Rackula, The Mammy's Curse, The Titty of Lost Children, Twin Peaks, and Boobasaurus Tits.

I don't want that to happen to my daughter.

Hand in the Cookie Jar

2008-08-08T13:28:00.005-04:00

I don't want to go into too much detail here, but the last time my kids stole cookies I punished them extremely severely. I assure you that they have very unpleasant memories associated with the cookie jar. I was so sure that they would obey, I decided the jar would be the best place to hide my gun. There were at least five in the clip and one in the chamber when I put it in there, and now there are only three in the clip and none in the chamber.

Now I know for sure that they've been stealing cookies, but I'm sure how much further I can go with the punishment without that meddling doctor noticing.

A wasted day

2008-08-07T13:09:00.004-04:00

Sorry I didn't get a post up yesterday. I really wanted to tell you all a really neat story about what my step-wife did to her mouth-hole but I spent all day at the doctor's office trying to convince him to give me a prescription to Levodopa.

My grandma has Parkinson's disease and she takes Levodopa to hide the "shaking palsy" but we all know she has it. Well, I don't acually have chronic progressive Parkinsonism but I wanted the drugs to help steady my hands even more than they actually are because I need to help my son out of a jam he got himself into. He didn't give the drugs, but on my way out I got the knife I need. Now I'm off to Ebay to find the speculum.

Beach Baby Blues

2008-08-05T13:40:00.015-04:00

My wife and I took our 3 week old son to the beach Saturday. My uncle told me that sunscreen isn't good for a baby's skin so we just sat him out there while we fished and surfed and made love. Well, I don't know how it happened, but he got a little burned on his face and neck and chest and back and legs. The tide must have come and got him a little bit too because he had some saltwater in his ears but we heard you can put some ammonia in his ear and blow it with a straw to help with that but we're still dealing with this sunburn.

My grandma said to let him sip on some whiskey but he's only 3 weeks and not taking a bottle so we had to just drip it in his open mouth while he was crying from the pain of the burn. We're getting pretty desperate here and willing to try anything. We even rubbed a TINY bit of cocaine on his gums and we're praying for that to help.

I'm uncomfortable, but I don't know why

2008-08-04T15:59:00.003-04:00

I was sitting on the couch next to my kid, and it occurred to me that his mouth is less than two feet from my scrotum, which is kind of sick and wrong. I mean, I had pants on and everything, and we were just watching regular TV, but still. I don't know how close is too close.

Vacation with Catfish

2008-08-01T14:34:00.006-04:00

Today while I was waiting for a suppository to dissolve in my anus I remembered that I haven't heard from my b.f.f. Catfish Alomar Jr in like a year. I can't remember why exactly we haven't talked in such a long time but I think it has something to do with skeletons.

I remember once ol' Catfish helped my son and I out of a real bind. We had one girl each and one condom total and Catfish reminded us that we could reuse it if we made sure we turned it inside out.

". . . that way it's ribbed for your pleasure, not hers."

Trying to spice up the love life

2008-07-31T11:28:00.006-04:00

A few nights ago, my wife came into the bedroom and woke me up wearing my 17-year-old son's Green Bay Packers pajamas, and started having sex with me. It was really the best sex we've had in a while. She was so energetic and passionate even though she never kissed me or even spoke.

Well, since then, every time I bring it up, she acts like she doesn't even know what I'm talking about. I thought we were starting to re-light our love life, but then she clammed up. I just can't understand what's going on with her.

I'm going to start encouraging my daughter's artistic abilities

2008-07-30T11:19:00.004-04:00

I found out recently that my 7 year old daughter is an awesome artist! Her drawings are as good as photographs, I swear! I want to encourage her to nurture this ability so maybe she'll get a scholarship to an art school, because I can't pay for her college while I'm between jobs. But anyway, I want to push her to do well in art, but at the same time I want to discourage her from continuing to draw the kind of things she does. All she seems to ever want to draw are pictures of herself and her 17 year old brother naked, and hitting and touching her. No one will ever want to buy this kind of disgusting artwork, especially if she doesn't learn to draw penises better. I really want to push her away from this kind of subject matter altogether and make her draw stuff people like, like fruit and boats.

A good, honest boy

2008-07-29T12:05:00.004-04:00

I was going through my daughter's underwear drawer the other night and her favorite pair was missing. I remember because it was a hot pink thong her mom and I gave her for her 13th birthday. Well, I knew I didn't take them and the other kids are too small to reach into her drawer.

So, I went to my 17-year-old son and just asked him straight out if he took them. Well, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, Dad, I did it." He is such an honest boy. I need to think of a way to reward him for being so good.

Son can't keep his pants on

2008-07-28T12:48:00.000-04:00

Last week my son's 4th grade class had show and tell. My son wanted to show the class what "Daddy gave him for his birthday" but luckily the teacher stopped him before he got his pants all the way off. I think this incident may have raised some suspicions.
How am I supposed to get a job if the police spend all day questioning me about my son?

Birthday Suprise!

2008-07-25T09:47:00.000-04:00

My son's birthday party is coming up this weekend and I'm on the hunt for the perfect gift. He said that he wants one of those tiny cameras. In his words, "Something that might fit inside of a Barbie doll, or some other children's toy." He showed me one of his sister's bath-toys to give me an idea of the proper size. I wonder if it should be waterproof too...
Really, I think at 17 he should be working and supporting my family and not playing "spy" with his buddies, but it is his special day. He can get a job next week, because I don't think I'll be able to and deal with these lawsuits.

I ran into my son at a stripclub

2008-07-24T09:31:00.000-04:00

I was at this new club some guys from the social club told me about. They bought me a lap dance, and I was really excited, but the guy who performed it turned out to be my son! Luckily he was wearing one of those feather masks, so he didn't recognize me.

I don't really like him stripping, but I'm afraid that if I confront him, it'll make me a hypocrite.

Should I tell my wife about my son's lies?

2008-07-23T08:42:00.000-04:00

My daughter told my wife that my son masturbated in front of her. My son told her that his sister walked in on him when he was "at the end" and it was too late and he couldn't stop.

That's not true, though. I was there and she walked in a good 30 seconds before he was finished. I don't know if I should tell my wife what really happened or just let it go at this point.

Pumpkin Patch

2008-07-22T14:47:00.000-04:00

So, I've been having some trouble lately with the neighbor kids. As if I didn't have enough to deal with with my own family, now I have to fix THIS before I lose my good standing with the neighborhood.

So, I have a pumpkin patch behind my house and the other day I suddenly decided I needed a pumpkin for personal reasons and I didn't have time to put my clothes back on so I ran out real fast to get it and those rascals down the street took a picture of me with their cell phones. I've got the get those pictures before their parents find out I've been stealing pumpkins from their patch.