Day 2: Water "Bored"

After many attempts to dislodge my balls and free myself from this toilet I've come to the conclusion that sheer pulling force isn't the answer. All the pulling and suction and pressure have taken their toll on my testicles and I feel like they've swollen up even more, of course making it even less likely that I can simply pull out. So, there I was last night, stuck and getting hungry, so I decided to order Quiznos online and have it delivered. Luckily for me, I still had the ladder propped up to the bathroom window from when I was checking on my kids the other day, so the delivery boy was able to get my sandwich to me.
Well, I still hadn't taken a dump, and about 15 minutes after I finished my Baja Chicken and Bacon sub I couldn't wait any longer. Well, I wished I could have waited because it stank up the place terribly and it has nowhere to go except all around my ball-sack. The stink was really getting to me and having that turd laying against my body was grossing me out so bad that I kind of panicked and instinctively, I thrust my body up as hard as I could to reach for the flusher pull-chain.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. The flush had started pulling me in even deeper but I didn't even notice that because when I pulled on the chain so hard, it broke part of the tank off and it came down on my head, knocking me out until early this morning. I awoke to find that the tank filler valve is stuck open and there's a constant flow of water pouring down my back. It has filled the bathroom with water up to the level of the tub wall, where the water is spilling over and draining out. My water bill is going to be outrageous, my wife and kids won't be back until Tuesday, and I gotta do something about lunch. This is the second worst weekend of my life.

I Hate Toilet Humor

I'll have to lead off with an apology today, readers. I had a bit of an accident and won't be able to tell you any interesting stories about my family life. Fortunately, I do have my laptop with me so I can at least tell you how I got in this bind.

You see, my wife has a rare disorder, and her doctor recommended that we get an ultra-powerful toilet. He said that one of those old-fashioned ones like Michael Corleone finds the gun behind would be perfect, so that's what we got. I actually taped my gun back there after the cookie jar incident. Anyway, as I went do my morning constitutional, I didn't notice that my wife had left the seat up and I fell down right in the water. That was pretty unpleasant, but on the way down, I grabbed hold of the flush chain, and that, my friends, is how I flushed my balls down the toilet.

Imagine that you're floating down an ice-cold shallow river, naked, in an inner tube, and your scrotum is wedged between two rocks, and you'll have an idea of what I'm going through. Oh yeah, also imagine that you're on the river alone because your wife and kids went to grandma's house for Labor Day, and they left on Thursday for some reason. So, here I am, anchored to the bowl with no phone and completely cut off from the outside world. And I still have to take a dump.

I have a terrible suspicion that my son might be gay

Here's my story...

This weekend I was invited to join in on an orgy at this exclusive club. There are only 12 members at Eyes Wide Butt, but they agreed that since my son's 17th birthday was coming up, he should be allowed in. Well, I told him that we were going to see "The Coldplays" but I wanted to pop in at the old club for a minute to get a taste of my "juice" before the show. Well, when we got in there, he saw at once what was going on and the other guys all grabbed him up and pants'ed him before he could even blink. Right after that, I started downing Red Bulls and Adderall so the series of events that followed as the night progressed are a bit hard to remember, but I have a terrible suspicion that my son might be gay.

The next morning my son was going on and on about how awesome it was. I asked him what his favorite part was and he just said, "I think you know what my favorite part is..." and peeked over his sunglasses at me. I told him that I couldn't really remember anything from that party, and he said, "Oh, um, well, you know, when we were doing it at the same time." I pretended that he had jogged my memory, and said, "Yeah, that was pretty tight, son." The problem is that there was only one girl at the party, so for us to be having sex at the same time, he would have to be getting it on with some other dude. I remember that girl very well, because she had a Coldplays shirt just like the one I gave my son that night as part of the concert ruse.

For now I'm gonna just forget about it and see what happens next year.

"Slow Your Roll..."

My son has been in a wheelchair since he was little and ever since the 2004 Olympics he has been obsessed with marathons. He trains all the time, and he's actually pretty fast in his chair. He's made it as far as 18 miles at once, but I keep telling him that a marathon is over 26 miles, and he'll never make it. I don't want him to embarrass himself. Besides, there's no money in it. I'm pretty sure all those normal athletes have regular day jobs, and I'm very sure that my wheelchair son couldn't do any of them.
But, I guess some people would pay to see a wheelchair person try to roll a race. I know I would.

Check out what the cat dragged in

Yesterday I was snooping around my son's room yesterday and I found a box that contained a video tape, my step-wife's old fur coat, and a bottle of hand lotion. Well, I was a young man not that long ago, so I kind of figured what was on the video tape but I watched a bit of it just to see what kind of thing he was into. The video turned out to be 4 hours of different cats having sex! This is really disturbing to me and I don't have any idea how to confront him about this. To make it all worse, he is going to be mad at me again for going through his private things. I can't remember what scene the tape was on when I started it, or how much lotion was in the bottle, so he's going to know I've been in there within a few days for sure. I have to make my move now, before he does.

Explaining the Birds and Bees Gets Harder and Harder

I was sitting on the couch next to my little boy trying to teach him about the "birds and the bees," and I pulled out my penis and showed it to him and I told him "this is what yours will be like some day." Then he asked me why it was getting so hard, but I didn't want to get into all that just yet! He's too young to understand how the birds and bees do it, I just wanted him to see what happens when they haven't done it in a long time.

My daughter wants implants

My son's sister wants to get breast implants but I'm worried about it. Her mom got some when she was that age, and she was made fun of at school. They called her names like Busty McBoobs, 10 Gallon Titties, Overdrawn at the Mammory Bank, Galaxy Chest, Nipple Reddenbacher, Chunky Chest, Jelly Juggs, Tower Teats, Pumpkin Tits, Mega Mammories, Breast Little Whorehouse in Texas, Breastzilla, Breast in Ho, Hooter's Revenge, Dean Man's Chest, A Tale of Two Titties, Random Access Mammory, Mickey D-cups, Juggy Bear, Crouching Tiger Huge Titties, TITanic, Big Titties in Little China, Breakin' 2 - Electric Titties, Martit Luther, Boobonic Plague, Titty Chestney, The Ghost of Christmas Tits, George Breast, Count Rackula, The Mammy's Curse, The Titty of Lost Children, Twin Peaks, and Boobasaurus Tits.

I don't want that to happen to my daughter.

Hand in the Cookie Jar

I don't want to go into too much detail here, but the last time my kids stole cookies I punished them extremely severely. I assure you that they have very unpleasant memories associated with the cookie jar. I was so sure that they would obey, I decided the jar would be the best place to hide my gun. There were at least five in the clip and one in the chamber when I put it in there, and now there are only three in the clip and none in the chamber.

Now I know for sure that they've been stealing cookies, but I'm sure how much further I can go with the punishment without that meddling doctor noticing.

A wasted day

Sorry I didn't get a post up yesterday. I really wanted to tell you all a really neat story about what my step-wife did to her mouth-hole but I spent all day at the doctor's office trying to convince him to give me a prescription to Levodopa.

My grandma has Parkinson's disease and she takes Levodopa to hide the "shaking palsy" but we all know she has it. Well, I don't acually have chronic progressive Parkinsonism but I wanted the drugs to help steady my hands even more than they actually are because I need to help my son out of a jam he got himself into. He didn't give the drugs, but on my way out I got the knife I need. Now I'm off to Ebay to find the speculum.

Beach Baby Blues

My wife and I took our 3 week old son to the beach Saturday. My uncle told me that sunscreen isn't good for a baby's skin so we just sat him out there while we fished and surfed and made love. Well, I don't know how it happened, but he got a little burned on his face and neck and chest and back and legs. The tide must have come and got him a little bit too because he had some saltwater in his ears but we heard you can put some ammonia in his ear and blow it with a straw to help with that but we're still dealing with this sunburn.

My grandma said to let him sip on some whiskey but he's only 3 weeks and not taking a bottle so we had to just drip it in his open mouth while he was crying from the pain of the burn. We're getting pretty desperate here and willing to try anything. We even rubbed a TINY bit of cocaine on his gums and we're praying for that to help.

I'm uncomfortable, but I don't know why

I was sitting on the couch next to my kid, and it occurred to me that his mouth is less than two feet from my scrotum, which is kind of sick and wrong. I mean, I had pants on and everything, and we were just watching regular TV, but still. I don't know how close is too close.

Vacation with Catfish

Today while I was waiting for a suppository to dissolve in my anus I remembered that I haven't heard from my b.f.f. Catfish Alomar Jr in like a year. I can't remember why exactly we haven't talked in such a long time but I think it has something to do with skeletons.

I remember once ol' Catfish helped my son and I out of a real bind. We had one girl each and one condom total and Catfish reminded us that we could reuse it if we made sure we turned it inside out.

". . . that way it's ribbed for your pleasure, not hers."