Trying to spice up the love life

A few nights ago, my wife came into the bedroom and woke me up wearing my 17-year-old son's Green Bay Packers pajamas, and started having sex with me. It was really the best sex we've had in a while. She was so energetic and passionate even though she never kissed me or even spoke.

Well, since then, every time I bring it up, she acts like she doesn't even know what I'm talking about. I thought we were starting to re-light our love life, but then she clammed up. I just can't understand what's going on with her.

I'm going to start encouraging my daughter's artistic abilities

I found out recently that my 7 year old daughter is an awesome artist! Her drawings are as good as photographs, I swear! I want to encourage her to nurture this ability so maybe she'll get a scholarship to an art school, because I can't pay for her college while I'm between jobs. But anyway, I want to push her to do well in art, but at the same time I want to discourage her from continuing to draw the kind of things she does. All she seems to ever want to draw are pictures of herself and her 17 year old brother naked, and hitting and touching her. No one will ever want to buy this kind of disgusting artwork, especially if she doesn't learn to draw penises better. I really want to push her away from this kind of subject matter altogether and make her draw stuff people like, like fruit and boats.

A good, honest boy

I was going through my daughter's underwear drawer the other night and her favorite pair was missing. I remember because it was a hot pink thong her mom and I gave her for her 13th birthday. Well, I knew I didn't take them and the other kids are too small to reach into her drawer.

So, I went to my 17-year-old son and just asked him straight out if he took them. Well, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, Dad, I did it." He is such an honest boy. I need to think of a way to reward him for being so good.

Son can't keep his pants on

Last week my son's 4th grade class had show and tell. My son wanted to show the class what "Daddy gave him for his birthday" but luckily the teacher stopped him before he got his pants all the way off. I think this incident may have raised some suspicions.
How am I supposed to get a job if the police spend all day questioning me about my son?

Birthday Suprise!

My son's birthday party is coming up this weekend and I'm on the hunt for the perfect gift. He said that he wants one of those tiny cameras. In his words, "Something that might fit inside of a Barbie doll, or some other children's toy." He showed me one of his sister's bath-toys to give me an idea of the proper size. I wonder if it should be waterproof too...
Really, I think at 17 he should be working and supporting my family and not playing "spy" with his buddies, but it is his special day. He can get a job next week, because I don't think I'll be able to and deal with these lawsuits.

I ran into my son at a stripclub

I was at this new club some guys from the social club told me about. They bought me a lap dance, and I was really excited, but the guy who performed it turned out to be my son! Luckily he was wearing one of those feather masks, so he didn't recognize me.

I don't really like him stripping, but I'm afraid that if I confront him, it'll make me a hypocrite.

Should I tell my wife about my son's lies?

My daughter told my wife that my son masturbated in front of her. My son told her that his sister walked in on him when he was "at the end" and it was too late and he couldn't stop.

That's not true, though. I was there and she walked in a good 30 seconds before he was finished. I don't know if I should tell my wife what really happened or just let it go at this point.

Pumpkin Patch

So, I've been having some trouble lately with the neighbor kids. As if I didn't have enough to deal with with my own family, now I have to fix THIS before I lose my good standing with the neighborhood.

So, I have a pumpkin patch behind my house and the other day I suddenly decided I needed a pumpkin for personal reasons and I didn't have time to put my clothes back on so I ran out real fast to get it and those rascals down the street took a picture of me with their cell phones. I've got the get those pictures before their parents find out I've been stealing pumpkins from their patch.