Day 6: Taint Misbehavin'

I was pretty much out of it all weekend. First, I thought that it would be a good idea to take a bunch of lady-medicine and shrink up my balls. I took all of my wife's birth control pills, a bunch of Midol, my daughter's Breast XL pills, and I sucked on a Nuvaring for a while, but none of that had any effect. Not on my ball size, anyway.

I mostly ended up really thirsty, but I got banned from Quiznos home delivery, and there was no way I was drinking any of that dookie-water. I remembered that my son had some special water-based lube for his camera and I knew it would be perfect. I drank that whole bottle of Astroglide and it really hit the spot, although it had a bit of a sour taste.

Well, I passed out again and while I was out, I had a vivid dream that I was a ghost. And as I left my body, I looked down at myself and at the toilet and I was compelled to go down the drain. When I got down there I turned back and saw my swollen balls and I gave them a squeeze and a quick push. Then I woke up here, at the hospital. Everyone seems to be paying more attention to my wheelchair son than to me though. Everyone keeps talking about how he is such a "hero" but I don't know why. I guess in a sense all handicapped people are "heroes" to some people, but I just don't get it. He hasn't done anything for me lately. I survived all weekend on Quiznos and Astroglide. I'm the hero here. Oh, and by the way, my taint is 8 inches long now.