I'll have to lead off with an apology today, readers. I had a bit of an accident and won't be able to tell you any interesting stories about my family life. Fortunately, I do have my laptop with me so I can at least tell you how I got in this bind.
You see, my wife has a rare disorder, and her doctor recommended that we get an ultra-powerful toilet. He said that one of those old-fashioned ones like Michael Corleone finds the gun behind would be perfect, so that's what we got. I actually taped my gun back there after the cookie jar incident. Anyway, as I went do my morning constitutional, I didn't notice that my wife had left the seat up and I fell down right in the water. That was pretty unpleasant, but on the way down, I grabbed hold of the flush chain, and that, my friends, is how I flushed my balls down the toilet.
Imagine that you're floating down an ice-cold shallow river, naked, in an inner tube, and your scrotum is wedged between two rocks, and you'll have an idea of what I'm going through. Oh yeah, also imagine that you're on the river alone because your wife and kids went to grandma's house for Labor Day, and they left on Thursday for some reason. So, here I am, anchored to the bowl with no phone and completely cut off from the outside world. And I still have to take a dump.
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