What if...

I was thinking. What if your penis was a live poisonous snake and your balls were tiny baby heads that never stopped crying? I had my daughter draw up a little conceptualization.

My Son's College Money

I always told my son as he was growing up that his mother and I had been saving for his college fees. Well, his 18th birthday is coming up, and he asked us for his college savings now because he decided to join the Church of Scientology.

The problem is, he doesn't really have any savings at all. I'm the only one who know this because years ago, on the way to the bank to start up his fund, I spent the money I did have to deposit on a prostitute. I mean, it was like 1991. Who can blame me?

But anyway, that's where every bit of the money has gone since that day. Once the truth comes out, this will ruin what passes for my marriage. I think there's a Bible story about a son who asks for money from his dad, then spends it all and becomes poor and has to come back to his father for mercy. I need to buy a Bible so I can use that story on my son to make him change his mind about his fund for a while.

Internet Gaming Addiction

Sorry that I haven't posted in the past several days, but I've become addicted to Fantastic Contraption. I can't seem to tear myself away from it. I'm sure that my son will be up to something crazy or whatever, blah blah blah, I have to get back to solving this level.


Edit: I finally found a solution that worked. Turns out that I was just making it too complicated.

Growing pains

Last night I went to my 17 year-old son's room to "read him his bedtime story" and "tuck him in." When I was done I bent down to kiss him goodnight and his lips and tongue tasted just like cigarettes! I'm outraged that he would throw away his health like this. I've always taught my children to love themselves above all else, yet they still seem to insist on being self-destructive. For instance, just a few months ago, I was checking on my daughter's SpaceBook page and I'm starting to think that the internet isn't even safe for her anymore.

I heard from some other parents that a good way to see what your kids are up to is to get a SpaceFace ID and pretend to be their age and get them to add you to their friends list. This is the only way to see into their private pages. Well, I did this. I pretended to be a teenage boy and got her to add me to her list. I'd been doing this for a couple of weeks and we had become very close. Although, as her father I know she has been lying about her age. She's 13 but she says she's 16 on her MyBook profile, and she looks like she's 20 in real life.

Well, about a couple of weeks into my "sting operation" she asked me if I wanted to "cyber." I thought this was some kind of game, but then she started describing all the sexual acts she was "doing" to me. In all the police movies they say to never break your "cover" so I had no choice but to respond likewise. Now we've been cybering for the past month and what I want to know is how the heck does she know all these sex moves at 13 and how long should I keep doing this with her before I confront her about it...

Here we go again...

I'm home from the hospital after my recent bathroom trouble and the doctor says I should be just fine in a few days.  The only thing is, now one of my balls is bigger than the other, and the other is even bigger than that one.  My son says that's temporary.

Speaking of my son, it looks like I've got a whole new set of problems now and we're looking for a legal loophole.  According to my son -- not the one in the wheelchair --  during their vacation this past weekend he met a girl and technically DID force the beginings of sex on her.  But he swears that by the end she started enjoying it.  He said she even orgasmed before he did!

My son may be a rapist, but he is not a liar.  We plan to sue her if it comes to that.

Day 6: Taint Misbehavin'

I was pretty much out of it all weekend. First, I thought that it would be a good idea to take a bunch of lady-medicine and shrink up my balls. I took all of my wife's birth control pills, a bunch of Midol, my daughter's Breast XL pills, and I sucked on a Nuvaring for a while, but none of that had any effect. Not on my ball size, anyway.

I mostly ended up really thirsty, but I got banned from Quiznos home delivery, and there was no way I was drinking any of that dookie-water. I remembered that my son had some special water-based lube for his camera and I knew it would be perfect. I drank that whole bottle of Astroglide and it really hit the spot, although it had a bit of a sour taste.

Well, I passed out again and while I was out, I had a vivid dream that I was a ghost. And as I left my body, I looked down at myself and at the toilet and I was compelled to go down the drain. When I got down there I turned back and saw my swollen balls and I gave them a squeeze and a quick push. Then I woke up here, at the hospital. Everyone seems to be paying more attention to my wheelchair son than to me though. Everyone keeps talking about how he is such a "hero" but I don't know why. I guess in a sense all handicapped people are "heroes" to some people, but I just don't get it. He hasn't done anything for me lately. I survived all weekend on Quiznos and Astroglide. I'm the hero here. Oh, and by the way, my taint is 8 inches long now.

Day 2: Water "Bored"

After many attempts to dislodge my balls and free myself from this toilet I've come to the conclusion that sheer pulling force isn't the answer. All the pulling and suction and pressure have taken their toll on my testicles and I feel like they've swollen up even more, of course making it even less likely that I can simply pull out. So, there I was last night, stuck and getting hungry, so I decided to order Quiznos online and have it delivered. Luckily for me, I still had the ladder propped up to the bathroom window from when I was checking on my kids the other day, so the delivery boy was able to get my sandwich to me.
Well, I still hadn't taken a dump, and about 15 minutes after I finished my Baja Chicken and Bacon sub I couldn't wait any longer. Well, I wished I could have waited because it stank up the place terribly and it has nowhere to go except all around my ball-sack. The stink was really getting to me and having that turd laying against my body was grossing me out so bad that I kind of panicked and instinctively, I thrust my body up as hard as I could to reach for the flusher pull-chain.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. The flush had started pulling me in even deeper but I didn't even notice that because when I pulled on the chain so hard, it broke part of the tank off and it came down on my head, knocking me out until early this morning. I awoke to find that the tank filler valve is stuck open and there's a constant flow of water pouring down my back. It has filled the bathroom with water up to the level of the tub wall, where the water is spilling over and draining out. My water bill is going to be outrageous, my wife and kids won't be back until Tuesday, and I gotta do something about lunch. This is the second worst weekend of my life.